Yes I am Dominant. There I’ve said. Well that’s not telling the entire truth.

I am also submissive too.

Am I a switch? Absolutely not.

Weird dichotomy? In denial? I don’t think so. I tried and very possibly failed to explain the nuances of this once to a man, I hesitate to use the title Dom because frankly, he didn’t earn it.

Just because I am highly Dominant in my professional life it does not mean to say that I am fully Dominant in my personal life. Yes, sure I like to be in control, very much. And now more than I ever I need to start being that Domme. It’s not the entire story and it doesn’t make me happy. It never has. I exert control because my psyche has always demanded it. To be the best. My very early fantasies of being Dominated by a man shifted and changed to being the one at school who was the best. The best of the best. Beating men at their own game. I guess driven would be a good adjective to describe my character. What I want, I put my mind to and largely I get. Not many things in life have defeated me.

But sexually, that’s another matter. It’s been so long now since that I’ve been with a vanilla that frankly I’m not even sure what that means anymore. I read a great piece of writing recently about a sub would had managed to do just that; had a relationship with a vanilla. Or at the very least a one night stand.

But frankly it worries me hugely that I might end up in a situation like that and be left wondering what the hell is going on? How freaked out would he be if I asked him to grab my hair? Or fuck my ass? And the thought of me even asking sounds weird in my head.

That’s just for starters, what about putting his hand around my throat and firmly pressing? Would he run for the hills or get on board? Then who is the D and who is the s? I get confused just thinking about it.

So is being a switch a little bit like in a sweet shop? I want that sweet so I behave this way, that chocolate bar so I behave that way? I have no idea what it means to switch so I must conclude absolutely not. The thought of sexually Dominating someone else leaves me cold. I just couldn’t do it. I know I couldn’t. I know I could pretend but that’s not the aim of the game is it really?

Then I’m a submissive? Well yes but that in itself is only half of the story. The Dom I want has to be able to beat me (well not literally but that’s always a reasonable bit of foreplay). He has to be top dog. King. In all aspects. In all areas.

Trouble is, my Dom detector has spent some time last year being off kilter. I wanted so much to submit that I forgot my own cardinal rules.

Is he worth it?

Is he trustworthy?

Does he deserve me?

I had it the other way around for so long. What can I do to please him? Wear my hair this way or that? Wear this dress or that or that corset or this? And all the while he was sat there basking in MY glory. MY adoration. MY submission.

I gave two of the most precious things I could give away last year. My love and my submission. And both were thrown back in my face; treated as meaningless, worthless. As things to be acquired and sought, lusted after even but not respected or treasured.

And now? Largely I am spotting them before it even gets beyond a few messages; sometimes one is all it takes. Mind you, I was recently called Sherlock by some pretender who I think just wanted to get off on my fetishes. Or perhaps wanted a few cheeky pictures. Or a bit of sexting. Or maybe all three! Shame. No sub should ever be made to feel that s/he has to justify why we are cautious.

And of course any genuine Dom would understand that in an instant and make the natural allowances. So many subs have been burned.

If that means that I utlise my very Dominant side to weed them out; so be it. I’m not an alpha for nowt.

Just sayin’.

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