You will have more orgasms and experience such intense pleasure than you think possible.

There is nothing like the sweet feeling of being held by your Dominant after play, exhausted and body aching. These times become magical in your memory and hang around long after the event and just the suggestion of doing them again will have you wet and wanting.

Your Dominant may want to spend a lot of time with his head between your legs and you will probably have ten times the orgasms he does. Women can have multiple orgasms. We’re gifted. Embrace your gift.
You will crave rules and have to accept that they aren’t always going to be there and you have to steer your own ship.

The problem with setting rules is they need enforcing, otherwise you lose respect for the person who set them. Multiple complex rules mean work, work, work for everyone. Learn instead your Dominant’s principles. Honesty, integrity, good manners go a long way further than the insistence that you always be pantyless and kneeling at the door.

You have to learn to accept yourself wholeheartedly the way your Dominant accepts you.

It’s hard for a woman, in a world where we are brought up to feel that everyone judges you, to understand that a loving Dominant really does accept you for who you are and doesn’t actually give one ounce of fuck if you gained five pounds, have a spot on your arse or didn’t vacuum today.
Similarly you have to accept that you Dominant is not perfect but he’s perfect for you.
You need to learn to say the words.

Nice girls don’t talk about sex.

Yep I heard that one growing up too. But if nice girls WON’T talk about sex it’s hard for your Dominant to hear you. Saying ‘mmmm’ does not tell him you REALLY need him to do more of that. Or that if he shifts his hand just slightly you are going to EXPLODE with pleasure. Be explicit.

It’s perfectly okay to ask for stuff.

‘I love what you are doing with your fingers but one more please’ is good. There are few men in the world who love doing for an hour what can be achieved in five minutes with the simple addition of an extra finger. To avoid frustration for both of you give feedback readily (this does not mean demand stuff, but asking is okay, begging is apparently quite fun too).
Vanillas don’t need to know.

In your utter delight in discovering you are not the only kinky person in the world there is a demand to tell someone.

And you may let it slip to a friend (hopefully not your mum), that you enjoy BDSM. Their reaction is likely to be this: ‘are you okay, are you being abused, do you need help?’ It’s instinctive that we try and rescue those who appear to be in danger and by telling your friends you are putting a moral obligation on them to make a judgement call and protect you. It’s much kinder to not tell them. Which is not to say you shouldn’t have safety calls in place if you are kinky and dating. But your best friend REALLY doesn’t need to know what you did, in the library, with a remote vibrating egg and a wooden spoon.

Vanillas also don’t notice stuff so don’t be paranoid. Everyone is looking at their phones or worrying about being judged and so they overlook the fact your Dominant happens to hold your wrist rather than your hand sometimes, or your interesting necklace. Even gynaecologists don’t notice stripes on bottoms most of the time. So stop worrying.

You may have nothing in common with other kinky people besides BDSM.

Think of Fetlife like a support group. Their story is not your story but that’s okay. They may well be into things which squick you. I’m personally really averse to blood – (long term anaemia means I’m quite attached to my own supply thanks) and feel nauseated by the thought of people sticking needles into each other. But that doesn’t mean they don’t have the right to do it and I shouldn’t just avert my eyes.

Similarly you cannot use the same standards to judge people in the kink community as you would in your vanilla life. Nobody cares what you do, what your social class is, what you eat or whether you live in a palace or a bedsit. People often don’t even discuss these things so you may never get to know anything beyond a screen name, but still develop intense relationships with people. Go figure! And put away your silly idea about ‘types’ of people. The ‘all students are earnest’ bollocks. Or ‘all old people don’t have sex’. Because having your stereotypes obliterated can be humbling.

There are common standards though. Personal hygiene (keep your body clean, learn about and get tested for diseases), honesty (polyamory is fine provided everyone is open about it) and tolerance (Your kink is not my kink but it’s okay) are the main ones.

Be prepared to change your mind.

This doesn’t mean let anyone ride roughshod over your hard limits but accept they may change over time. You may find, after a bit of experience what you thought you wanted, is not what you need right not. For example I have been a man’s woman. I really like cock. And I would say I am 99.9% heterosexual. But then one day he said something about a woman and I looked at her slightly differently and imagined kissing her. That’s cool too.

The time may not be right for you to accept something now but it may be in future. Sometimes something may be proposed which you go ‘god no, I could never do that’ and then a while later you may come back to the idea and go ‘yeah I could try that’. And that’s normal. Your submission is a journey not a destination. Travel with an open mind.

It’s okay to say no

But it’s also okay to say yes. And I strongly recommend saying yes to pleasure.

2 thoughts on “Eight things I learned on the road to submission”

  1. This is a must read for those of us just beginning our joureny and exploration of our submissive desires. Your writing gives me both guidance and comfort.

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