I’ve been fortunate enough to experience this dynamic a couple of times in my role as a submissive. They were certainly challenging relationships but they were also very lovely and very special to me in often unique ways. There is nothing like the feeling of showing someone new your world; explaining the great joy that being fully in touch with your sexuality can bring. And of course it’s always fun to explore new ideas and concepts with someone else.
I met with varying degrees of success. The dynamic between the D-type and the s-type is fraught when it happens the other way around. The nature of Power Exchange very naturally lends itself to the Dominant training the submissive; not the other way around.
But life simply is not like that and with the best will in the world, you might meet an entirely lovely, brand and shiny new Dominant. He might have understood his natural Dominance (This is innate and can NEVER be faked!) he just simply might not have ever experienced the nuts and bolts of not just the physical aspects of kink but the psychological nuances too.
When a submissive attempts to stand in the flow of the mighty Dom river; she can swim like the best of them or drown. Don’t drown. It’s terribly bad for getting water in the ears…
So with that in mind; I would be pleased to present a few thoughts on the concept. As always, with any of my writing, use it, walk on by, cherry pick it; it’s up to you. My way is never the ‘twue way’; it’s just simply my (often) hard won observations.
The first and most important point I want to say is…
1 – Congratulations!
What you are doing is simply brilliant! More power to you, dear s-type! If it feels right to you; do it. Always listen to your gut.
2 – Know thyself.
In any context, assuming the role of teacher requires only one thing from you and one thing only. Know thyself. You might not be the best or most experienced submissive in the world. But do you know what turns you on and more importantly, turns you off? Do you have a reasonable grasp on your triggers and can you effectively communicate them to the new D-type? Don’t forget that their eyes, if they follow type, will be the proverbial saucers. If they are genuine and authentic they will be looking to soak up information like a sponge. Are you prepared for that level of intensity?
3 – Avoid Burn Out.
Until the dynamic is fully established, you are in the driving seat. Not the Dom but YOU. The sheer rush of a new D/s is intoxicating to even the most experienced of practitioners. If you happen to have more time in the saddle than them; ask yourself how you will manage this? What breaks will you naturally put in so that firstly YOU are not overwhelmed and secondly your new Dom isn’t? Always look to yourself first. I make no apologies for saying this. Just because the need of the submissive is to serve on some level, mental, psychological, physical, it does not mean that we should neglect out own welfare in a rush just to serve. Actually, now I come to write this; it is also relevant for any submissive anywhere.
4 – Accept you will make mistakes.
Accept they will make mistakes. To be brutally frank; know that they will happen. If in your heart of hearts, you believe that they are genuine; be kind. Always listen to what they say. If they deeply and sincerely apologise for hurting you, taking a reasonable share of the blame and not just wishing to make amends but want to know how you are; you’re probably OK.
If they seek to blame, minimise, ghost, whatever; they are either not psychologically equipped to deal with a full blown D/s or they are fakers. #sorrynotsorry. The ability to take responsibility is the essence of Power Exchange itself. If they behave like a child; then a child is what you will always have.
5 – Anger.
This is a very big deal breaker in my book. I’ve experienced this a more than a couple of times. It can be as simple as you saying; “I just don’t think we are compatible”. It can also be a kind of misplaced anger against you when they realise that you are far more sexually experienced than they are (and I do mean in kink; not just how many people either have slept with) and that they cannot handle the jealously and the slur to their man-hood that provokes.
6 – Boundaries
By this I mean, all of our boundaries. Not just the kink ones. Often, as I have grown older I find that this is the one area where I constantly struggle with. What is right? What is wrong? Am I being to soft or too lenient? And if so, why? Personally, this is where I have engaged with therapy to understand why I do things the way that I do. I suspect, for me, this will be an on-going process. How do you feel about that with regards to your own life?
Ahh! I’m conscious that people in these lists like 5’s or 10’s. Let’s leave it with a lucky number 7!
7 – Stay true to who you are
Know when you need to continue or you need to walk away. The struggle to be as authentic as possible is a lure. We may often feel the need in this regressive society to throw off the chains and shackles of patriarchy and strive towards a real and true equality. Sadly; we are not even close to that yet. This is never more so when we deal with female sexuality. All I can say is; we owe no person anything and ourselves everything.
Take care of yourself. I am always here to answer questions from any side of the slash. Please do post any the comments on this writing or email me on firstname.lastname@example.org